Recently my asthma has gotten worse. Breathing has become a chore and it is obvious by the wheezing, the achy muscles, and the general run-down feeling that my body needs more air. I went walking with a friend at lunch today and ever since then I have had a headache from hell and my chest is just tight. It was not an extraordinary walk, it is of the quite ordinary in fact.

In my ordinary walk today, I felt weak, shaky, and just down right worn down. It is painful to think that less than 4 years ago I was jogging several miles a day and weighed a small person less than I do now. I am at the point where I feel bad and I want to sleep and eat, two of the deadly things that keep me where I am. It is hard to fight against what I know needs to be fought, but have no fight in me to fight with. The thing is I want to fight the fight, I want to believe that it is worth fighting for, which gets down to the core issue that I have to believe I am worth fighting for.

Am I worth fighting for? The most obvious answer is yes, everyone is worth fighting for. But I say let me fight for my friends, the woman who is being abused, the kid who has no home, the animal that is getting abused, let me fight for them…they are more deserving than I am. Who am I, that I should want to fight for me?

I often ask myself why fight for what I want. What do I want? What do I need? What does all this mean anyway? These are the questions before me tonight as my lungs fight for their piece of what they need. Which makes me think if my lungs naturally fight for what they need, fight without me doing anything. In fact, if I try to stop my lungs they push back, they fight harder, they make it almost impossible for me to give up and stop them. Is this the kind of mechanism I am supposed to have in my brain for myself? If I am supposed to have this, the question that begs to be asked is, where is it? Is it waiting for me to get to the point where it has to kick in and fight?

My brain is not willing to fight all the way right now, it is focused on the minute to minute, the day to day, week to week living. Yet somewhere, sometimes, deep, hidden in the darkness, the place where no one knocks, I feel the fight waiting. It is dormat, waiting, waiting for me. Waiting for me to realize that I am worth the fight. Waiting for me to realize that I want to be worth the fight.

Wanting to be worth the fight, Jesus wants us to think we are worth the fight. He wants us to want to fight, to be well. He even asks, he gives us room to back out of the wanting to get well, He gives us the freedom to remain sick, to remain alone, to remain untouched, to stay in our own filth and sadness. Jesus asked the man by the pool, waiting to be healed, do you want to get well? Do you want to walk? Do you love yourself enough to want, what I want for you? You have to want it and when you do I am there, to tell you to take up your mat and walk. All you have to do is love yourself like I love you.

Love ourselves, like Jesus loves us. Jesus died to heal us. We have to be willing to die to ourselves to heal with the power Jesus offers. To stand, take our mat, and walk away healed. To take our burdens, give them to Jesus and have new life and new air to walk away. Jesus gives us the strength to go on. Jesus can give me the breath I need to get through this night, this week, this month, this year, my life, my whole life. I just have to love.

I have lived all my life not letting feelings in. It was scary to live in my world and be able to feel, there were people and circumstances that waited around every corner to strike. I closed off that part of me, the part that felt the good, that felt the bad, all I felt was an indiffrence and even that was numbed out.

Life is slowly coming to me, little by little. The more I open and trust the more I feel. I can’t say that it always is a good thing, most of the time it is an empty hole, that seems to get larger and larger and more and more real and intense. This weekend I felt that full force. The empty void that is in me, as I lay in bed praying for it to go away or for something to fill it, anything..there came a point of relazation that to feel and expiernce anything I have to feel the bad. If I can’t feel the bad I cant feel the good. Right now I am empty, alone, depressed, wanting it all to go away, but in this dark time when I feel small and so alone, I have to have faith that it won’t always be like this. Eventually I will be able to feel God, to have a friends arms around me, to sit where I am and feel the good right along side of the bad. That is what I have to wait for, to have faith for.

I have been a “Christian” my whole life, but until recently I avoided Jesus.

I know how can someone be a Christian and avoid Jesus. It is simple and easy, really. It is easy to focus on the being good part, loving, but not focus on the source where this comes from. It causes a distorted view that is easy to mistake for a correct view since it is based on the Bible.

Recently I have become fasinated by Jesus, who He was. Last week I started on a journey with a friend, who is also discipling me, to find out who Jesus is. In a week, I have learned more about Jesus, than in my lifetime. We are examining the questions Jesus asked and who that made him.

The question Jesus asked the most was “Do you believe in me?” That is such a loaded question, but if we answer it and give it all up and follow we are still hit with the question “Do you love me?”

Can we believe enough? Can we love enough? That is what I am on a journey to figure out.